Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Remission? Ha!

Wow!   I have not posted in some time but this blog site is still a place and I can visit when I need some sunshine.

Well readers (and maybe Facebook friends and fam); life goes on for me. I had my first stage in breast reconstruction that actually started a few months ago but last Friday (10/18) I experienced the real thang.  This put me back to the Spring/Summer/Fall of 2009 when my Cancer re-reared it's very ugly head.  My emotions did a 360 on me and I felt the same sadness all over again.  I did no research nor did I prepare myself for what I was about to face.  This is so uncharacteristic of me,  I lost control on this one.

I agreed to the 'simplest' form of reconstruction ie inserts and had expanders put in bilaterally a week ago.  My wonderful plastic surgeon has been talking to me for months now about what to expect but I
ignored him.  I placed all my trust in his expertise as I usually do to my male physicians (?). What is wrong with me?  I did not know that he literally opened up my chest wall in two places, cut through the fat and muscle, cut away enough room close to my sternum and place two 'foreign' expanders!!!

This is only the beginning of a long process and as my doc playfully put it last week, "I will start pumping you up next week".  Months of agony and emotional roller coaster.  I can't believe this. Maybe he messed around with my hormones while digging holes in my chest!  I still have drains in, milking it every night to make sure that all that extra fluid comes out.  Every time I go naked I have to look at the progress and feel sorry for myself that I have to go through this in the first place. I think of my chest day and night.  I wonder if there will be a cancer recurrence.

Where is that 'Vilma' all strong and fighting all the odds?  I pray to God that she returns because this person is not me. I want me back. I want me before the cancer.  But I know that this is my destiny. This is why I can empathize with my chronically ill patients and give them strength to heal.

One day at a time.


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