Okay to be sad

I received news this morning that my long time ailing aunt died this morning. Yes, she had cancer - in the bone. Suffered quite a bit and this saddened me. We knew her time was near but I cried this morning while praying for her in church and I know crying is okay.

I visited her twice in the last year since she lives overseas and in the countryside. My family usually takes a day off to go to that side of the island. I think about her husband who recently started losing his vision and depended on her quite a bit but God will see him through.

I remember my aunt of years ago - very beautiful woman whose grey eyes lit up when she smiled. My cousin and I shared some wonderful stories of her only last night - I guess we were preparing for this. She still had that beautiful smile and pretty eyes when I saw her last earlier this year. She was still very active, tending to her very large backyard of fruits and vegetables. She also loved animals and had these two monkeys in the yard - even though I think one died. My nieces and nephews loved to visit her. We looked forward to getting some of her fresh produce when we visited and the kids roamed her beautiful land while we were there.

Sad to say, I am not sure if I will be able to attend the funeral since I start a brand new job on Monday [separate blog]. I will dedicate my thoughts and love to her constantly for the next few days and will ask my Parish Priest to include her in his dedications at Mass.

Am I a survivor? Then what is next?

I feel strong; my last visit with my oncologist was good; and he schedules me now for 3 month follow-up visit. However, he has not used the 'R' word: remission. This scares me but since my Faith in God is stronger, I save that feeling for a few minutes a day.

There is one small detail that I am a little nervous about: my orthopedist did a whole body scan a few weeks ago to rule out any metastatic problems in my knee. This was a source of major problems for me for the last several months until I stopped taking Femara. Slowly, my symptoms disappeared but not before I saw an orthopedist. He basically said the scan was fine but as any typical specialist, focussed on any occurrence of osteosarcoma. Well, what the 'h' do you call cancer in the bone from any primary site? Hmmmmmm. In any event, he went on to say that there is something going on in my left rib area but he thinks it is nothing and sent me on my merry way.

HUH? I asked his assistant to pass results onto my oncologist but she declined to do this. So I called my onc and he is now trying to get a copy of radiologist's report since he does not read the film unlike the orthopod. *shaking my head*. I wonder why I stay with this group. I call it continuance of care but the frustration is so overwhelming.

I am also trying to get back into the job market but this is another story that I will reserve for another blog.

Alli: I promise to be diligent :)